Homecoming 1985 vs 2019

In 1985 the telephone was always in the same place. We never misplaced it. It was tethered to the wall. It was the only tool available to ask a girl to the homecoming dance. It was just me, the phone and a still, quiet room. I couldn’t even pace around let alone take a walk outside. Slowly the minutes turned into hours and then the hours turned into days. It was procrastination as an art form. Finding the courage to finally make the call and ask the girl was terrifying. Waiting for her response was equally torturous. The 13 seconds of silence that followed my ask seemed like an eternity. And then finally a very quiet …”sure” or maybe she just said “okay”. I really can’t remember. That call took place roughly 34 years ago.

Fast forward to 2019 and my daughter’s homecoming dance is this weekend. She is 17 and a senior in high school. The first dance in this final season of dances is just days away. Her phone is by definition mobile and roams freely with her. It rarely leaves her side, even when she sleeps. And yet it sits silent. Nobody has called. There hasn’t been an ask. Silence, crickets. Thankfully she is not alone. None of the senior girls in her posse have been asked to Homecoming. “No Dad, we are just going in a big group together, no dates.” WTF? How could this be? How could the majority of senior boys not feel obligated to make the ask? It’s crazy to me but just another not so subtle reminder that I am old, times have changed and today’s boys are just not engaged. You might even call them soft. 34 years is a long time but what does it say that these modern boys don’t feel the obligation to make the ask. There is a need to experience the doubt, insecurity and overall agony of asking a girl to a dance. This is a rite of passage that has occurred for generations and quite possibly hundreds of years. Forever and ever boys have asked girls to school dances. I’m pretty sure that Romeo asked Juliet and even Sir Lancelot probably asked Guinevere to King Arthurs’s first fall dance.

My daughter confirmed that the boys and girls will still gather before and after the dance. They might actually dance at the dance but I wouldn’t bet on it. This is the exact age when boys and girls are finally comfortable to intermingle and have actual feelings for each other. Dances offer the perfect opportunity to ask that girl you might have a crush on.

Watching this from a parent’s perspective has never been so bizarre. During these recent years, seemingly every dance has had a pre-party, and a post-party. Rarely is the actual dance the focus. Parents are invited and welcomed for a brief time at the pregame event before the dance. We provide the usual suite of services; door to door chauffeur service, photography sessions, and the mandatory and unsolicited advice for the evening. My first question to parents that I don't know has always been the same.

Do you have a predator or a prey?

Most people give me a blank stare so I clarify. Do you have a son classified as a predator or do you have an innocent daughter classified as prey? It's really that simple. Are you playing offense or defense? Are you offering a wild, testosterone filled 16 or 17 year-old predator to the dance or are you sacrificing a beautiful, innocent 16 or 17 year-old prey to the proceedings? Please understand, there is no gray area. Please insert #metoo warning here and remember this is just a dad sharing his quirky thoughts on these annual traditions. So once I have explained the predator vs prey analogy, 9 out of 10 people laugh out loud. The 10th person is a mother who doesn't believe in Darwinism.

As a father blessed to have a son and a daughter, I am lucky to witness both sides. Thankfully, my now 19 year-old son is the oldest, so he was out on the prairie first. He was able to formally ask girls to all of his senior dances. He somehow survived the same nervousness and fear of rejection that I did 3+ decades ago. But now only 2 years later, the norms have all changed.

With respect to interaction with girls, all I ever wanted for my son was to have confidence and self esteem. Translation, I wanted him confident enough to ask a girl to a dance and engage them. A further and perhaps more honest translation; I wanted my son to get some experience. Now to be sure, I'm only talking about kissing and maybe getting to 1st base perhaps to 2nd base. Please know I am talking about 1985 baseball! I wouldn't dare guess how the bases analogy translates these days. I did want him to get experience in interacting with girls on an intimate basis before he left for college. I’m convinced that 93% of dads want their sons to enjoy the same or greater level of “success” than they did at the same age. It’s really that simple and anyone who says different is bullshitting you. Luckily for my son, I set the bar low. Extremely low. Getting frisky aside, I expect my son to be chivalrous and respectful toward girls. I’d like him to be vulnerable too and experience the unique feeling of connecting with a girl. Above all, I hope my son treats ladies with grace and kindness and is a true gentlemen. If he does that, then I have succeeded.

Now my views with respect to my daughter at this age are the complete opposite. Predators play offense and fathers of young prey are defensive coordinators that want to employ a Belichick type defensive scheme. I remember very well what 17 year-old boys want. I’d rather my daughter not engage at all with boys. I’d like to provide her a protective shield or force-field of sorts to keep the boys at bay. Think Star Wars and Obi-Wan Kenobi “these are not the girls you are looking for, nothing to see here, keep moving along!” Wouldn't that be nice? Sadly, it’s a fantasy dad's keep wishing for. So if denial doesn't work what is the best way to let go as she heads straight into the jungle?

Having trust in her and being supportive are the best ideas I can find. I want my daughter to feel strong and empowered. I want her to trust her instincts. I want her to be confident around boys. I want her to be in charge. I also want her to engage with boys and learn how to be in a relationship. I don’t want her to bury her head and avoid the emotions and unease of boys/dating, etc. It’s a natural part of maturing and a teenage girl’s confidence is just as important, if not more important, than a boys. I’d love for her to find a boy with empathy and kindness who treats her like gold. It’s a bit ironic but at the end of the day I really do want the same thing for both my children. I want them each to feel confident and self assured, comfortable in their own skin and not just trying to fit in and most of all not succumb to peer pressures.

My wife’s role with regards to these dance rituals differs quite a bit. First and foremost she gets to take her young lady/young man shopping and help select the wardrobe for the big night. Second, she gets to help her daughter get ready for the dance. This includes the mandatory mani/pedi service earlier in the week. Then they go to the hair blowing place the afternoon of the dance. They pay $45 for a blow dry and styling of the hair. $45 without any cut or wash? I am old and antiquated but that is just plain dumb. Getting dressed and finishing the makeup happens behind closed doors and is well above Dad’s security clearance. I get to patiently wait at the bottom of the stairs. Once at the pre-party Mom gets to take all of the photos. And trust me there are lots and lots of photos to be taken. Mom will then post her favorites on social media almost immediately. Once the red carpet work is over and Instagram has been notified, the wife is pretty much done with the dance.

With respect to our son, my wife also wishes for confidence and perhaps some risk taking in his interaction with the young ladies. She doesn't have the Tarzan, beat his chest outlook, that Dad has at times. But she’s somewhere in the same neighborhood which is nice. As I write this, I still have no clue what my wife truly wishes for our daughter. I assume she wants some of the same things I do but being a woman and sending your daughter out into the wild has to provoke strong memories of her own teenage years.

NEWS ALERT: My daughter just shared with me that most of the senior boys have now decided to not go to the dance at all. Unless they have a girlfriend they won’t go and will just attend the post party. That means the big pre-gala function planned for weeks will be an all girl event with zero boys. Cancel the paparazzi. Call the caterer. To say this is lame is a huge understatement. The boys have hijacked a special evening away from the girls, and really hijacked it from themselves as well. Time is running out on their high school memories and there aren’t many dances left. Regrets only come later. And to be fair and transparent this situation is not entirely the boys fault. A few of my daughter’s friends firmly voiced to the boys that they did not want to be asked. This certainly helped a few of them justify their actions but I still wish they all would have asked weeks ago like my generation would have.

The ironic feeling is that the further along I get in this parenting journey the more and more I feel like my own parents. Old and out of step. I have become the dinosaur. I’m nostalgic for the old days when things were simple and norms were well established. I suppose that’s the way that the universe works but that doesn’t mean I need to like it. The only constant between the Jurassic period of 1985 and the modern day is that I have no clue how my son has or hasn’t interacted with the opposite sex. Much like my parents were in the dark, I have zero idea on what may have transpired over the last 2 years of high school and his first year in college. Nada, zilch. And in a very odd twist, I am just fine with that fact. The same goes for my daughter and that is ENTIRELY okay because she will always be my little Turtlebug.

Enjoy the dance!

Original material August 2017