**Assembly Required**
It began early Christmas morning. I think it was 2006. The stockings were hung. Santa’s milk and cookies were on the porch. Raw carrots awaited Rudolph and his friends. The Night Before Christmas was behind us. Best of all, the kids were finally asleep. There was 1 final project left before Santa’s elves could retire. The task seemed entirely doable. The box containing the foosball table had 215 separate pieces and 22 pages of directions. How tough could it really be? It never crossed our minds that we should have started before 11:30 PM on Christmas Eve. Nowhere in the directions did it say you couldn’t enjoy wine before or during assembly. We sat sprawled out, before our Christmas tree, with a warehouse full of parts and the handy instruction guide. The first hour went smoothly. My wife read the directions, while I assembled. As the morning wore on, we were close. Our work resembled the pictures on the box and we were elated. It was a bit after 1:00 AM when it happened. With just the goalies left to install, I glanced down and noticed something was off. Seriously off. Somehow our little futbol people were all facing the same direction. WTF? All 6 rows were playing for the same team. How on earth does that happen? Whether it was the wine or my incompetence (I’d suggest incompetence) we had a huge problem. We would need to backtrack and disassemble a good portion of our work. It was now 1:15 AM.
After a 5 minute tirade, that probably woke up the neighborhood but somehow not the kids, we began an active salvage operation. By salvage, I mean a Navy Seal exercise to save not only Christmas but our marriage too. My wife took over assembly and I translated directions. I swear they were in Latin. The stupid table was finally completed a little after 2:00 am. We slowly climbed to bed. We were physically and mentally exhausted and yet still wide awake from the “excitement”. Our kids would be up in 4 hours with the combined energy of a nuclear reactor.
We are not the first or last parents to embark upon such a fool’s journey on Christmas morning. But why??? What is the allure of assembling a difficult, mind-numbing project in the middle of the night? These efforts require focus, concentration and most of all patience. Sadly, none of these commodities are in supply on Christmas Eve. What were garages, closets and attics designed for? Is it not possible to assemble these dreadful contraptions days, if not weeks, ahead of Christmas? Then it’s simple hide and seek. Our kids were just 5 and 7 and we had zero confidence that we could safely hide a damn soccer table. That’s a big fail by Mom and Dad.
The following is a letter I wrote to Santa Claus a few years ago on Christmas Eve. I sat with my wife in the same room where the “incident” had occurred 10 years earlier. We laughed and smiled. We had survived. Every time I read this, it brings tears of joy and happiness. I now read it every Christmas Eve.
December 24, 2016
Dear Santa:
Merry Christmas! We hope you travel fast and safe tonight!
FYI, the Friel home will not have any warm cookies tonight. The 2% milk remains in the fridge. We didn’t leave you any special Santa messages. We didn’t even send you our Christmas lists this year. We didn’t leave any carrots on the lawn for the reindeer. We definitely won’t lay awake wondering when you might actually arrive. Wink, wink! Really, skip our house altogether if it improves your efficiency. We will have no hard feelings.
We won’t stay up late assembling intricate doll houses, race tracks, foosball tables or other ridiculous, parental team building endeavors in the wee hours of Christmas morning. No Santa, not this year. We will happily be in bed by 11pm.
We also won’t get up at 6am and start the whole circus before dawn. We will wake on our own, thank you very much. If our kids get up before us they better start a pot of coffee and get the fire going.
Santa, you may question our Christmas spirit. You may wonder about our character or motives but it's really pretty simple. We are the proud owners of 2 teenagers and the entire Christmas experience has changed forever.... And for the better! You see, we no longer live on your schedule. Kringleville and ChristmasTown are just distant places. There is no longer any need for the all-nighter putting plastic crap together. There is no crazy pressure to deliver on Christmas morning. We aren’t even sure where our kids are right now….Maybe upstairs? Their stockings will still be stuffed full of delights from the North Pole. We just no longer need to worry about getting caught eating the milk and cookies.
Santa, we will always believe in you and the magic of Christmas. We want to extend our best wishes to all of those dedicated parents that are up right now wondering why the directions don't make ANY sense. Why don’t the parts fit? Why don’t you have the required elf tools to finish the damn thing? It’s because you have no energy. It’s because you can’t remember if you got Susie the correct barbie doll. You wonder if you remembered to wrap Johnnie’s Laker jersey? It’s because the 3rd bottle of wine is now open. Sanity left hours ago and your precious Energizer bunnies will be up in less than 5 hours. Thanks to all for keeping the tradition of Christmas Eve alive. Burning the midnight oil is a rite of passage and those of us that have gone before feel your joy AND your pain!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!
Love,
The Friels