Marriage Counseling 101
Don't keep score. Don't ever keep score. Trust me, there is no upside.
Marriage is not an NFL football game. It's not the NHL, MLB, or MLS, either. Being successfully married best resembles a soccer match where after ninety minutes, plus stoppage time, it's still nil-nil (0-0), and you are right back where you started. And unlike a scoreless soccer game, that's an excellent thing! A zero-zero result is what all marriages should aspire to.
My wife and I have been together for thirty-one years, married for twenty-eight years, and parents for twenty-four years. These past three decades have been extremely rewarding and full of love, adventure, and lots of fun. Yet we have still endured tough periods of struggle, conflict, and doubt. It's unavoidable.
Looking back on thirty years, one of our greatest shared attributes is that we rarely keep score. This means we don't compete, fight or keep track of the right to enjoy free time away from one another. Whether it's a night out at a Timbers match, a ladies' wine tasting on a Sunday afternoon, or a three-day bender in Vegas, free time means no responsibilities to your partner. Nada, zilch. In unequivocal terms, the “hall pass” means the following:
1. There is no requisite need for the "free" person to check in with a text/call upon arrival. It's OK but do it quickly without inviting a conversation.
2. There is no need to share what you are doing at every single moment of the day, two hours from now, or the next day.
3. There is no need to have a useless back-and-forth searching for that exact moment the free partner will walk back through the front door to relieve the jailed person. This is true for both a day of wine tasting in the Willamette Valley and an extended out-of-town hall pass. I'm back Sunday afternoon suffices. Remember you do have the flight number.
4. And under no circumstances, whatsoever, shall the homebound individual share any burdens, challenges, or grievances of the goings on back at the three-ring circus you just left behind. Unless, of course, Johnny or Susie fell and broke their arm.
I used to keep score years ago and it never made me happier; quite the opposite, it made me miserable. I'm sorry in retrospect and regret that it took me a while, but I have finally accepted my wife's free spirit and independence. I’m genuinely happy when she has a hall pass. Whether it's a Tuesday night at the Pondo, a Govy Weekend, or a lady's road trip to Nashville, I fully support her. She has more than earned the right to enjoy crazy fun nights and Mom road trips full of memories, laughter, and friendship. Please explain why I shouldn't be happy for her.
Meanwhile, my wife has always been super-supportive, almost borderline ecstatic when I share the news of a Bandon golf trip or my annual Gentlemen's Shopping Day. I can never recall her saying no or trying to foil or stymie my plans. She is usually psyched and bouncing off the rails. “Can I help with your plane ticket; let’s start packing for you”. ( I pack my own luggage, thank you) Indeed, some of her grace is a simple desire for peace and quiet away from her needy hubby, but the more significant gift is that she wants me to have meaningful experiences with my peeps too. She understands how vital her girl time is to her and wants to reciprocate so I can enjoy the same connection with the boys. Rare is the girlfriend or wife that is jubilant when you meekly mutter, "I'm going to Vegas next month." My wife's response "That sounds like fun. Who are you going with?” That is not a normal response. I know I'm incredibly fortunate.
My wife and I have arrived at a place where we are generally happy when our better half is happy. It's a novel idea, yet we seem to be the exception to the rule. Why is it so damned hard to smile while your partner is entirely free to let loose and enjoy themselves? We have friends and acquaintances that don't enjoy this level of respect. These couples are always keeping score, comparing events/trips, and trying to determine precisely whether wifey or hubby had more time away or who had more fun on their adventure or who suffered the most back at home with the monsters. It quickly becomes a competition or something to win. "It's my turn now." "You just went away last month." Whatever the refrain, it's consistently a perceived negative or slight when one partner is home alone negotiating with the ankle biters and the other is off in Napa sipping Cabernet.
It doesn’t have to be that way. My marriage is proof.
As with 91% of all marital communication, it all comes down to trust and shared values. A guy shouldn't have to beg his fiancé or new bride to go on a college football weekend. Nor should the same guy object to his lady's three-day trip to Scottsdale. Healthy marriages need space. There must be quality time outside of the partnership. Spouses should actively strive for balance. The husband should not get three golf trips in a row. The wife doesn't need to go to every country concert within a five-hundred-mile radius, though she may still try. There must be some give-and-take and a fair approach to the next request.
I’m still amazed when I see other couples bitching about their partners, demonizing upcoming events, and generally poo-pooing their partners’ happiness. All of the joy can’t come from within the marriage. There has to be a quality of life outside that world. Time apart only enhances time together. It also gives you the strength and energy to get back in the ring when times are tough and you're trudging through the mud wondering why the hell you are married in the first place.
It should be obvious that the world we live in does keep score over a broad range of activities and endeavors. It's human nature at a gut level to monitor such things. But it's even better to have awareness and endeavor to be the best partner possible.
So unless you have to actually sit through an 0-0 final score in a boring, dreadful soccer match, a nil-nil marriage will always be a winner.