Dog Before A Kid

So you’re in your late 20’s or early 30’s, in a long-term relationship, engaged or maybe already married and the discussion about starting a family has begun. Stop the conversation. Breathe. Breathe again and then immediately go dog shopping. Do not pass go. Do not advance to the nearest railroad. Get in your car and acquire a dog. Adopt, rescue, buy or just steal one; whatever it takes get a dog as soon as possible. Taking a “practice run” is smart, affordable and just might save your marriage. Acquiring a canine will help you understand if you’re ready. A dog will uncover hidden areas of your relationship that may need attention. Some couples may not know if they even want kids and maybe there are differing views. That is exactly why a test run with a dog is so important. Dog ownership will help encourage or discourage the decision to start a family. Dogs are really the best mulligan ever and could truly save your bacon. They also provide amazing lessons that can be applied to small people.

Most married couples and partnerships already know whether they want to start a family. Pausing for two years and starting your family with a dog is smart. It will provide a clear road map into parenthood that has virtually no downside (except for the crate training days).

And let’s be clear, I’m not suggesting getting just any pet. Cats don’t count. Cats are easy. Cats really aren’t even pets*. How can you be a real pet if your owner can leave you home alone for an entire weekend? I mean really, 72 hours alone, and all I need to do is leave out some water and food and kitty litter? Try that with a German Shepherd. You have to get a dog, period.

You need to start with a dog because dogs are easy. Dogs eat dog food; twice a day. Dogs only drink water. Dogs lie around 92% of the time. Dogs are friendly. Dogs are sad to see you leave and excited to see you return. Dogs never get mad at you and rarely throw tantrums. Dogs don’t need diapers or pacifiers. Dogs rarely vomit. Dogs are great listeners. You can put a dog in a crate and leave the house for eight hours. Dogs are furry. You can cuddle with them. Dogs give you lots of kisses.

I share my dog first theory for many reasons but most of all because dogs actually do require lots of work and lots of patience. Dogs bark, dogs chew, dogs poop. Dogs need walks and like lots of attention. Dogs need cleaning, especially if you live in the rainforest of the Pacific NW. Dogs cost money. They eat a lot and sometimes they get sick and need medicine. Dogs sometimes need x-rays and neck braces. Dogs get fleas and ticks. Dogs retrieve mud from everywhere and bring straight into the house on the recently cleaned carpet. Simply put, dogs demand significant time and effort.

Guess what? Kids and specifically newborn babies are roughly 10,000% more difficult than dogs and they will be around forever! You read that right, 10,000% harder.

Kids are humans. Kids are extremely difficult. Kids eat all kinds of foods at all hours of the day. Kids poop and there’s no pooper scooper. Have you ever put a diaper on a dog in the middle of the night on 23 minutes of sleep…? I didn’t think so. Kids throw up. They throw up all the time with colored liquids you can’t identify. The FBI couldn’t identify them either.

They take three plus years to be potty trained, dogs take three months. Kids are not always friendly and generally get meaner as they age. Kids are not furry. They are good cuddle companions in the early years and then it slowly fades away.

It’s widely expected that your kids wear clothes so you need to dress them. Unless you are a complete nut job with an 11 pound “dog” (not really dogs either**), dogs don’t ever wear clothes. They don’t wear clothes mainly because they are …..you know DOGS! Kids wear all sorts of clothes and every 43 days past the age of 2 they need a new set of larger clothes. Kids evidently need shoes too. Have you ever seen a cute little baby that is 5 months old with shoes on? What is that all about? Those shoes will never hit the ground supporting the chubby foot and leg attached to it. Never. Yet shoe companies make a fortune selling shoes to people that can’t walk. (My wife claims these infant kicks keep them from pulling their socks off with their feisty little mitts.) Don't get me started on the weird dog people who have shoes for their dogs.

After the Toddlerassic era ends, kids become a non-stop rollercoaster of energy, excitement and chaos. In other words a complete shitshow! Oh and this just in, kids are very expensive. Extremely expensive. The most expensive investment ever. Kids last forever. They need toys and stuff, then bikes and then cars. Some of these people end up in college. Dogs require a few chewy toys, a comfortable bed and dog bones. Dogs don’t go to private schools or college. Crate train a dog for 4+/- months and your education dollars are no longer needed. And if you own a dog and its simply not working, there are humane avenues to place the dog in a better environment. It is very difficult to return a kid because it was too much work.

So there you have it in a nutshell. Raising a puppy/dog before bringing a human into this world is some of the most sound advice you will ever get. There is zero downside.

*Cats truly aren’t pets. You never see them ever. They never hang out with you. When you arrive home they scatter. How does that qualify you to be man’s best friend? It’s simply true and nobody can ever change MY opinion. Clearly cats work for many people. I have dear friends who have cats, love cats and get great joy and love from their feline friends. Good for them and I’m happy they have a companion.

**There are two exceptions, Apollo and Hazel. Love you both.