Out Of Control
Monday morning
Eighteen Years Dawning
I said how long
Say how Long
It Was One Dull Morning
I Woke The World With Bawling
I Was So Sad
They Were So Glad
I was of a feeling it was out of control
I had the opinion it was out of control
Out of Control, U2 Boy, 1980
Bono "This song is about waking up on your 18th birthday and realizing that the two major decisions in life have nothing to do with you, birth, and death. It's out of your control."
It's safe to say that things are currently "Out of Control." The entire world is off its axis, and if you happen to have dependent children, things are even more disorienting.
Precisely who thought procreation was such a good idea?
The COVID-19 pandemic is making many parents ask that very question. Every day for the past four weeks, my mind has wandered between extreme boredom and unrestrained fear. The pendulum swing is broad. I quickly transition between hope that this is a six-month roadblock or fear we will see an eighteen-month nightmare. And while we all love our children dearly, this virus has caused massive adjustments and crazy hardships for families with kids of all ages. As I sit caged up in my home with a 20-year-old college sophomore and 18-year-old high school senior, I have begun to wonder whether there is an ideal quarantine age? Is there a magical age whereby your life is not entirely upside down right now? A stage where the minutes don't pass like hours, the hours don't move like days, and the days don't feel like weeks? Maybe there's a stage where you don't want to scream at the top of your lungs every 51 minutes because nobody is listening to you.
In these crazy times, I wanted to share brief stories from four families with kids of all ages. I asked three questions:
1) What is the silver-lining that gives you hope?
2) What is the toughest part of the new normal?
3) How are you as an adult coping?
Family 1: 13-year-old son, 9-year old daughter, 3-year-old boy, AND a 6-month baby girl. Wow is right!
Silver linings: "The older two are starting to get along after accepting their near-future fate as cellmates. They have each accepted their new normal and learning to live within the new parameters. And older folks in the neighborhood have commented how hard it must be for us to parent young kids during this time, and that feels oddly validating." Mom
Toughest: "Trying to reign in the 3-year-old who doesn't understand, misses his grandparents, pre-school, teachers, etc. especially when the weather sucks and we can't run him around and wear him down. He asked when people start feeling better can we go back to Grandma's house?” Dad.
Coping: "I mean, we are all healthy, so there's that. It's hard to complain when thousands are struggling to breathe. We embrace the suck knowing full well others are much more worse off. We cope by looking ahead and making plans for down the road (whenever that is). And we communicate with friends - Face Time, Zoom, etc." Mom
This is from a family with 4 kids, two that are under 3. Bravo. Bravo!
Family 2: 5.5-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter
Silver linings: "For families with two parents that both work and TRAVEL, this has been a big adjustment. The clear upside is that we are spending tons of quality one-on-one time learning new games and activities that we never would have had time for. We are present to really SEE them grow, learn from them and give them all the attention and love they need. It has been gratifying." Mom
"Our marriage has gotten back on track. We remember why we love each other and what a team we are. All the conversations and values have been reset." Mom
Toughest: "The biggest challenge without a doubt is not having a hard stop date of when, or if, life will go back to normal and the kids can go back to their pre-school and see all of their friends." Dad
"I feel great pressure to not screw-up! To give them all the learning, activities, and grace while working from home and having only one place to do it all. The mom guilt is so real." Mom
Coping: "This is literally an hour by hour effort, but when necessary, people take a time out, focus on all the great things we have. We do still drink (duh have you met us) and focus on the positive. We are writing letters, doing virtual happy hours, and having longer, more meaningful conversations than ever." Mom
"Thankfully, we went into this with the right attitude and strong belief that the only thing that will get us through this is to stay positive, even when it's tough to put a smile on." Dad
Family 3: 12-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son
Silver lining: "The best part is continuing to get to know our kids on a deeper level. They're at an age where they're truly blossoming into themselves. Having a 24-hour view of that blossoming is invaluable insight. For their lovely and not-so-lovely traits, we have a front-row seat to a beautiful growing process." Dad
Toughest: "The toughest part is at-home learning. We are not professional educators. I fucking don't remember long division! I was an English major for God’s sake. It has given us the unique opportunity to learn the academic strengths and weaknesses of our kids. Frankly, it's rewarding to help them succeed first-hand academically. Of course, they have their moments of boredom... Who doesn't in these times?" Dad
"Both kids have said they'd LOVE school to start again next week... They really miss the academic attention and social aspects. Who would have thought you'd ever hear where that your children missed school?” Mom
"We're coping pretty well. Every three days almost with geyser-like predictably one of us gets impatient, becomes frustrated or loses our shit. It's usually a rather benign reason, but that person loses their shit nonetheless. We preach kindness and patience knowing that we're essentially taking turns at expressing our frustrations." Dad
Family 4: 20-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter. This is my story
Silver lining: "The good news is that we have the band back together and are getting bonus time with the people we love most dearly. None of us chose this detour but my wife and are both okay at some distant, unconscious level. It helps greatly that our son and daughter remain best friends and get along even in these most challenging of times." Dad
"I have not had this kind of uninterrupted time with my kids since before they were teenagers. They have no plans with friends and cannot just come and go as they please. It has been an incredible gift in that respect.” Mom
Toughest: "The most difficult challenge is getting them to take this seriously. My children are young adults, and in just four months (hopefully), we will have an empty-nest. Our kids think they are bullet-proof. It doesn't affect ME, says my daughter. She is a senior in high school and is slowly seeing her high school career vanish. It's come crashing down with no more classes, no prom, no sports, and most likely no graduation ceremony. And this all happens as she sits quietly at home doing her part. Like thousands and thousands in the Class of 2020, she doesn't deserve this." Dad
"The toughest thing to watch is all of the missed milestones and the uncertainty at what else may be lost moving forward." Mom
"Our son's re-entry from the fraternity with his best friends to sleeping in his sister's old room (she upgraded to his old room) has been very uneasy. He misses his friends greatly. I have been told that Spring term in Eugene is spectacular? Yes, but is it real ( Seinfeld). Online learning at college has been more difficult than expected. His independence has been stolen from him. Ripped away when he enjoyed his most confidence ever. THAT SUCKS. He spends much of the day in his room with no desire to be with the family. It hurts deeply but that is how he has chosen to cope. We need the strength to accept his choice.” Dad
As my older sister has said for many years now, "little kids, little problems, big kids, BIG problems." I can assure anyone that this is a true statement.
Coping: "We have a roof over our head, food in the fridge, and our collective health is great. We are very blessed and remind ourselves often. I meditate daily and work on my breath. Our family puzzles, plays monopoly, and binge-watches Ozark. We are experts at Zoom for school and happy hours and are staying connected as best we can. I’m already lucky that my wife is an amazing cook, but our new normal has allowed her to become an expert sourdough bread baker. Lastly, we watch less much news. Less is more in these times." Dad
As we move into month two of this on the West Coast, I think of 9/11 and the immediate aftermath. Our son was barely two, and even though the attacks happened 3,000 miles away, it was a SCARY time. As a young parent, it was horrifying. What kind of world do we live in? What world are we bringing our children into? There was so much fear. We had so much angst. And guess what? Over time we all endured, and things did eventually get better. It didn't happen overnight, but in hindsight, it did happen quicker than we thought. Let's pray that we can work together and handle this crisis too. We must act in unison, take care of our neighbors and the elderly. Above all we need to be patient and sacrifice our first world desires and pleasures. We will beat this for sure, I just hope we do it in 2020.
So what's the best kid age for an extended quarantine? Hell if I know! I’d probably lean toward the 10-14 range. Last Saturday, when we simply couldn't handle our young adults any longer, my wife and I got up, walked out the front door and hopped in the car. We drove. It didn't matter where we were going. We shall never tell. We didn’t go far and maybe we made-out in the car. Above all we were able to leave for a few hours. And for that, I was quite thankful.
Be well, my friends!